THE “BUSINESS” OF SUFFERING

(circa 2004-2009)

Winter mornings in Flagstaff are COLD – bitterly COLD! One freezing December morning I had to leave early for work. It was cold and dark. As I pulled out of my driveway my mind was spinning with randomness: “I want to crawl back into my warm bed; in fact, I confess, I am in love with my bed; the seats in my car are FROZEN; why doesn’t the car warm up faster so I can turn on the heater; I have so much to do today; I want COFFEE!” Let’s just say, I was NOT a happy camper.

And then I turned the corner – and looked up. Splashed across the eastern sky was a breathtakingly magnificent display of the brilliant hues of dawn – and to top it off, the snow-capped San Francisco Peaks were triumphantly reflecting the show. White snow had turned orange and pink!

It was then I realized – this sunrise was a description of our life.

There is an old saying: “It is always darkest before the dawn.” When the sun begins to rise, only then can you gradually begin to see. The world around you becomes clearer and clearer only as the sun rises higher and higher.

Our life had become a turmoil of hopelessness and we were forced to come face-to-face with reality. We were not making it financially. Bill’s home inspection business had come to a screeching halt and our main source of income was non-existent. Yes, I had a job, but it was woefully inadequate to supply our needs. If we didn’t do something we were going to lose everything. We prayed and prayed and prayed, but it was as if the heavens were sealed and silent. We were in the darkness, in a cave with no light, groping to find a path, only to hit dead-ends with every step. What did God want us to do? He has promised to show us the way and take care of us but it seemed as if he had just left us alone and forgotten.

Eventually, however, the first rays of dawn began to streak across the “sky” of our life. Our path was still very unclear but we began to take some steps and trusted God to lead us to the next step, and the next, and the next. As the sun rose higher our path became clearer.

Here is what I’ve learned about dawn: When you look down, life is dark and frightening. But when you look up, there is a brilliant display of HOPE!!! Eventually we chose to LOOK UP. And you know what? God wasn’t quite as silent as we thought he had been. Hundreds of little miracles had been occurring here and there. There really was hope.

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Yes, there is a “business” side to suffering.

When you operate your own business you don’t get paid vacation or sick leave. If you don’t work, you don’t get paid. Bill was unable to work and was therefore not making any money. However there were still bills to pay and with mounting medical bills on top of our normal household bills, the mountain was too high to climb. It seemed that our only option was to take out a home equity loan – an interest-only, variable rate loan.

Every month as I wrote checks we went deeper and deeper into debt. Medical bills piled higher and higher. Occasionally Bill would begin to feel better and we would try to start his business again, borrowing even more money for advertisement, technology upgrades, etc., only for Bill to land back in the hospital, unable to work. Finally, we came to the stark realization that his home inspection business was over. He needed to go on disability.

THE “WONDERFUL” WORLD OF SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY

And so we entered the wonderful world of Social Security Disability. We met with a nice, sympathetic man in the local Social Security office who helped us begin the application process. We thought our case would be pretty “cut and dried” and that there would be no question as to Bill’s eligibility. WRONG!!!

We had no idea how many forms there would be to fill out – how many letters to be written – how many phone calls – how many doctors and even friends to contact to advocate for us – how many medical records to procure (over 1,200 pages). Each denial was like a punch to our gut, leaving us gasping for air. After two devastating denials, the next step was to apply for a hearing – and get an attorney. More forms, more letters, more phone calls, more trips to Phoenix. And just when we felt like giving up, God would send someone into our life who had been through the same ordeal and tell us to not give up. And we pursued.

Finally, after over two frustrating years, the day of our hearing arrived. We had everyone we knew praying for us. So much was riding on this. Scared? Shaking in our boots? Oh yes! We had never been in a courtroom before and our whole future was tenuously balanced in the hands of, what we had been told, was an extremely temperamental judge. Yes, our whole future could be riding on one man’s mood. We couldn’t have gotten a worse judge.

When they finally called us into the courtroom, the judge, contrary to his reputation, was in a very jovial mood. Bill’s answer of “yes” to promise to tell the whole truth was the last word he had to say. Within 5 minutes, it was over. The judge had ruled in our favor.

HARD DECISIONS

Then we faced another giant mountain to climb: what were we going to do with our house – and my job – and even living in Flagstaff for that matter? We had to make some hard decisions. Moving to Phoenix seemed to be our only option. We had to put our house on the market to sell. I had to find a job in Phoenix. However, there was a huge problem. This was 2008. Houses were NOT selling and there were NO jobs available. But we had to try … and trust God.

The day the “For Sale” sign appeared in our front yard was another punch to our gut. We loved our home. We had raised our family there. We had welcomed countless people into it. We had lovingly remodeled it and landscaped it. Now we were forced to give it up. And we waited for someone, ANYONE to come and even look at it. But no one came.

And I had to begin looking for another job. Every night I would come home after a long day’s work, log onto my computer and look for jobs. Much to my dismay, the days of “Help Wanted” columns in the newspaper were over. No longer could I mail in my resume or even go to an employer to fill out an application. No, job hunting was done exclusively on-line. Resumes and cover letters were hurled somewhere into the cyberspace cloud and only caught by a future employer because some “key word” might happen to be picked up in their search engine.

After applying for over 150 jobs, NO ONE responded. Apparently I hadn’t included the right “key word”. Things were looking very, very hopeless. It was hard to “look up” and see any hope of a sunrise.

Then one day I received an email about a job opening in the Phoenix area at a Presbyterian church for an office manager (right up my alley). And I was even able to mail in my resume with a cover letter – and with them, I sent a heartfelt prayer! … And I waited …

My heart did flip-flops when I received the long-awaited call … they actually wanted me to come in for an interview! When the day finally arrived I dressed in my best job interview outfit, donned my best smile and, as confidently as possible, walked into the church office, my demeanor hopefully disguising the desperation that filled my heart.

After having two interviews with some wonderful people, and meeting the cordial church staff, I realized that this could be a perfect place for me to work. I went home and waited … and waited … and waited.

One Friday afternoon, several weeks later, I was at work. After nearly giving up hope, I received another call from Desert Hills Presbyterian Church. I was hired! My heart did more flip-flops. My head spun! I shouted to all my co-workers “I got the job!” …But then reality hit me. I was going to have to say good-bye to everything that I loved: my job, my church, my co-workers, my home, my beautiful mountain town, my friends. As elated as I was, my heart was also breaking. “Oh God, this is SO HARD!”

And there was so much to consider. My mind swirled into overdrive. Where were we going to live? What should we do with the house? What … where … when … how? And we only had 2 ½ weeks to arrange it all!

Dawn had begun rising. We began to look up and discovered that it wasn’t quite as dark after all. Our path still wasn’t clear, but there was HOPE. God was still there. He still cared. And he certainly wasn’t silent.

Meteorologists can predict exactly when dawn will arise each day. However, metaphorically speaking, in our experience, we can never predict when our dawn will arise but we know that it will – eventually.

Dawn doesn’t depend on our outward circumstances, though. Even if our circumstances remain the same, God is still light, and there is still hope, and we can still look up. God sees the big picture and knows exactly what we need and when we need it. He knows when to reveal our dawn. And that’s what he did for us.