Lights In The Darkness

(Circa 2002-2008)

When life is so intensely dark it’s difficult to imagine normalcy happening at the same time – almost like a mythical parallel universe. And I was living in one, stepping back and forth between the two every day, trying to effectively function in both at the same time.

One universe consisted of hospitals and doctors and tests and procedures and insurance and bills and facing a frightening, unknown future. The other consisted of going to work and friends and family simply living life, grocery shopping and going out to eat and going to movies and celebrating birthdays. Being so consumed with the former, the latter seemed almost surreal. I stumbled through my days in a dense fog.

But thank God for the normalcy that surrounded me, helping me keep my balance so I could take yet another step. Yes, life was dark. But every now and then a heaven-sent bright light would chase away the darkness for a while, lighting my path.

Our family was so supportive and loving. Wonderful events were happening in their lives, lifting our vision above our shadows. Shannon graduated from college and six months later married Gabe (and Bill was even well enough to walk Shannon down the aisle). Luke and Julie added our adorable grandson, Blake and beautiful granddaughter, Kaylin to our family. We were surrounded by friends who faithfully loved and prayed and cared for us. My co-workers covered for me countless times when I couldn’t be in the office. Each one was a small light shining away our darkness.

Besides those wonderful events there were many other special things that happened during those six very long, bewildering years. Each one helped light our pathway, encouraging us to persevere…

LIGHT FROM A DOG (“CARING CANINES”)

We’ve always loved dogs and, for most of our lives have had one. But Binki was a very special dog. She was an odd mixture of Pembroke Corgi and Australian Shepherd and when she was very young we realized that, with her strong will, she would need some serious training. And so we hired someone who would help us train her. He did a fantastic job and Binki was very well behaved. She had even become part of Bill’s home inspection business, accompanying him wherever he did inspections and even helping him. When he would crawl underneath houses she would go with him and scare out skunks or other critters. She would keep children occupied during inspections too and Bill was even training her to smell water leaks. But then Bill’s illness brought that to a screeching halt.

Flagstaff Medical Center had a wonderful volunteer program called “Caring Canines”. People would bring their dogs to the hospital to visit patients and bring comfort to them. During Bill’s numerous, lengthy hospital stays he enjoyed those dogs immensely, especially because he missed Binki so much.

So when Bill got out of the hospital and began to get better, he went through the process to get Binki Delta Certified. She had to go through some testing, which she passed with flying colors and she became an official “Caring Canine”. Bill would take her to the hospital every week to visit patients and staff too. She was a favorite in the hospital and was even featured on the local TV news one night.

One day she and Bill visited a little girl that had gone through surgery. However the nurses were unable to wake her up and were getting concerned. So they lifted Binki onto the bed, took the little girl’s hand and stroked Binki’s soft fur. Gradually she began to wake up, smiling.

Another day the duo went to the cancer center where there was a man who had been coming every week for treatments. The nurses told Bill that he had never spoken a word. But when Binki cuddled up to him he began talking to her. Yes, a little light was shining.

PRAYER AND WORSHIP TEAM LIGHTS

Every Tuesday morning at 7:00 am a group of women would gather in the church’s small “prayer room” to pray. I was privileged to be one of them. And for 1 ½ hours we would sing and worship and pray together. Those mornings were a powerful source of strength and a bright light shining into my darkness. And you know, I still pray with those precious women today, thanks to “Zoom”.

And oh, how I love to sing and harmonize and pour out my heart to God through music! Being on our church’s worship team was a highlight of my life. Every Monday night we rehearsed and Sunday mornings we enjoyed praising God together with the whole church. The worship team became family to me and they helped sing light into us through those dark days.

BECOMING “LIGHTER”

For my whole life I always thought of myself as fat. In fourth grade one boy called me “Big Fat Elephant”. (However he was the one that was rather pudgy, not me.) But the hurtful name stuck in my heart and shaped my self image. However, looking at pictures of my young self, I wasn’t really fat – I was just mostly tall – taller than the other kids in my classes. But from that time on, I was very conscious of my weight, even going on diets. In junior high my nickname was “Metrical” (a popular diet drink of the ‘60’s) because that’s about all I “ate”.

But I gained weight anyway. When I was in my early twenties, I went on starvation diets. Yes, I did get down to my desired weight but I could only eat one meal per week to maintain it. I finally realized that this was going to kill me. So I decided that if I was fat, so be it. Through the years, I gradually gained weight – until by the time I was 59 I was a whopping 240 pounds, wearing size 22 clothes. But OH! how I did want to lose weight!!! But I just couldn’t.

One night at dinner Bill lovingly told me how concerned he was about my weight. He said he loved me the way I was but was concerned about my health. By this time, through his illness, he had lost about 75 pounds and he told me that if he could do it so could I. I looked at him incredulously! After all, he had lost his weight only because he had been unable to eat and was fed a liquid diet with a tube inserted into his intestines for months at a time! No willpower was involved for that weight loss! I glared at him and said, “Don’t . even . go . there!”

But that night my frustration bubbled to the surface and all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I had long ago come to the conclusion that it was impossible for me to lose weight. Not even God could help me! Yes, God could create the universe and everything in it but he was unable to help me lose weight. However, something happened to me that night. I can’t explain it but within the next 2 ½ years I lost 85 pounds.

I didn’t go on a Jenny Craig diet (good grief, there was no way I could afford that). I didn’t join Weight Watchers. God simply became my strength to eat in a very healthy way, drink a lot of water, and yet not deny myself small treats every now and then.

After a few weeks I noticed that my clothes were getting too big. So I bought a few new clothes (on clearance, of course – that’s the way I roll). But after a while those clothes were getting too big too. I realized that I couldn’t afford to keep buying new clothes all the time. It was then that I discovered our local thrift store. Every Monday some of their clothes would be marked down to $1.00 – and some of them were even brand new. I was in clothes-shopping heaven!! I had a BLAST!!

After losing 85 pounds and dropping six sizes it was really fun meeting people I hadn’t seen for a long time too. Some of them didn’t even recognize me and I would have to re-introduce myself! What a wonderful gift from God – a bright light shining in my darkness. (Spoiler alert: Alas, to be honest, I have since gained some of that weight back.)

LIGHT IN A PRAYER ROOM

One day when I walked into work in the church office, my co-worker, Valorie took one look at me and realized that I was not doing well. My red, swollen eyes and hunched shoulders belied my feeble attempt at a good morning greeting. She looked me straight in the eye and, in no uncertain terms, ordered me to meet her in the prayer room “in 15 minutes!” And she meant business!

As I walked into the dimly lit prayer room and sat down on the soft love seat, Valorie greeted me with a box of Kleenex. She lovingly told me that she was going to play some worship music and wanted me to sit there and simply let the music wash over me and through me and feel God’s presence. And so I did.

All the long days and months of caring for Bill in the hospital and at home – all the anguish I felt with his every cry of pain and discomfort – all the months of trying to pay bills with our non-existent budget and failed business – the frustration trying to convince social security to get Bill on disability – struggling with insurance and medical bills – striving to keep up with my work at the church … I poured it all out on God. And I cried and cried and cried – and blew my nose – and used up the entire box of Kleenex.

Valorie knew just what I needed. God met me in that prayer room and by the time I left, I knew He would take care of us. I had emptied my heart out on Him and he lovingly took it all. I could go on. Again, the light shone in my darkness.

MARRIAGE IN THE LIGHT

The years had taken a toll on our marriage. I really did love Bill – but I didn’t like him very much. So when he got his first attack of gallstone pancreatitis and we weren’t sure if he was going to survive, I realized I could very likely become a widow. To be brutally honest, it almost felt like a relief. Yes, life would be totally different without him but I figured I could survive. It was okay.

But wait! There was something very, very wrong with that feeling! I should not be feeling that way! The thought of losing him should devastate me – but it didn’t. That realization even scared me. And so I had to take a hard look at our relationship – and it wasn’t good.

Every morning I would go to the hospital on my way to work. At lunchtime I would again go to the hospital and after work I would stay there until about 9:30 – day after day, week after week. And a tiny miracle began to happen. Every night before I left, Bill would ask me to pray with him. During our 37 years of marriage we had RARELY EVER prayed together! It felt awkward at first but after a while, it just became part of our normal nighttime routine. It was nothing profound, just simple prayers, but slowly, very slowly, our relationship began to heal and I could finally be certain that if he passed away I would be devastated. Isn’t that funny? I was so happy that my heart would be broken if I lost him.

I think that, in our darkness, the brightest light of all was that God began to heal our marriage, and we still continue to pray together every night!

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Psalm 139:7-12 says, “I can never be lost to your Spirit! I can never get away from my God! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to hell, you are there. If I ride the morning winds to the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, your strength will support me. If I try to hide in the darkness, the night becomes light around me. For even darkness cannot hide from God; to you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you.”

Yes! This has been our experience. God faithfully shone lights into our darkness. But those lights came in very different, even unexpected forms. You can never figure out how or when God will take care of you but he always does. Go figure …