Getting To Know You

At 18 years old, I was no longer a little girl, relying on my parents (although I was grateful that they were only a few miles away).  I was now a wife and was excited to learn how to cook and clean and care for a husband (the latter, I’ve discovered, takes a lifetime to learn and, I’m afraid, I still haven’t figured that out).  It was time to settle into our new life together.

My First Culinary Masterpiece

I decided that the first meal I would cook would be Bill’s favorite:  chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, canned green beans and salad.  I got out my brand new, trusty “Better Homes & Gardens” cookbook, made a trip to the grocery store and, while he was at work, set about cooking.  It couldn’t be that hard, could it?  I carefully followed each step and set the dining room table (which consisted of a card table and some old wooden folding chairs salvaged from our church’s trash bin), complete with tablecloth, flowers and candles.  At last I was finished and it was time to present my culinary masterpiece and anxiously await Bill’s reaction as he took his first bite, which he did – and he chewed – and chewed – and chewed.  Finally he was able to, with much difficulty, swallow.  He graciously commented with a tentative smile, “It’s … ummm … good.” (Gulp.)  Yes, I admit that the steak was tough, the mashed potatoes were lumpy and the gravy was a sickly gray color.  At least the canned green beans and salad were good.  Oh, I had so much to learn!

Bill, the Prankster

I also learned something delightful about my new husband.  I mean I knew he had a goofy sense of humor, but this prank took it to a new level.  Our apartment was brand new.  It had a beautiful gold shag carpet and a central vacuum system that was shared with 4 apartments.  There was a very long vacuum hose that was stored in the apartment complex’s laundromat and would plug into the wall of each unit.  There was a button on the wall that would turn the vacuum on and off.  When it was on it would turn red.  One day, as Bill was walking down our hallway, he noticed the button was red, so he pushed it and the vacuum turned off.  A moment later, it turned back on.  Apparently someone in another apartment must have been vacuuming.  Bill decided to play a trick on our unsuspecting neighbor.  Every time the light turned red, he would turn it off, laughing maniacally.  I’m sure the apartment manager got a complaint from our neighbor saying that the vacuum was malfunctioning.  I’m also sure that there was a very unhappy apartment manager that discovered, as the repairman left, it was just fine.  Their only problem, unbeknownst to them, was a tenant who was a prankster.

Who Are You?

Bill and I began to learn about being married.  Even though we had been together nearly every day for 4 ½ years, we discovered that being married is a totally different experience.  We still had so much to learn:  how to deal with each other’s quirks, shortcomings, habits.  We had to learn how to cope with each other for leaving dirty dishes in the sink or squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube or hogging the blankets on cold winter nights.  (Thankfully I hadn’t yet discovered Bill’s irritating habit of channel-surfing on TV because remote controls hadn’t been invented yet – and there were only 7 channels available to watch.)

Also, Bill was raised in a household where the men did the outside work and the women did the inside work – PERIOD!  No one crossed that line – EVER!  Being that we lived in a one bedroom, upstairs apartment, that left Bill with very little to do around the house.  (I once cross stitched a sign that said, “No woman ever shot a man while he was washing the dishes” and hung it above the kitchen sink.  It was a fairly obvious hint and slightly revealed the malice that was lurking in my heart.)  Over the years Bill eventually learned to cross that line and, kudos to him, is now quite adept at all kinds of housework.  And me?  I must say I’ve become an accomplished helper to my compulsive home improvement hubby.  I’m happy to announce that the lines have finally been crossed in our home.  It didn’t come easily or quickly though.

Coping with our two totally different temperaments, moods, likes, dislikes, communication styles (or lack thereof) was also a challenge and, I confess that, after 54 years, it still remains a challenge.  But there is one thing I’ve learned:  you can’t change anyone!  No amount of nagging, cajoling, berating or arguing will do anything except drive a wedge deep into the heart of any relationship.  The more it continues, the further the gap will widen until it forever splits apart.  I’m beyond grateful that ours is still very much intact.

We were resolved that our marriage would last for the rest of our lives.  Together we closed the back door to any possible escape – and locked it – and threw away the key.  That doesn’t mean it was easy.  Oh no – far from it!  When ”trigger-temper Bill” meets “passive-aggressive Donna”, it ain’t a pretty sight.  It wasn’t pretty then, and it sometimes isn’t pretty now.  We are still the people that we are.

BUT we invited Jesus to be the head of our home.  We may, in a sense, “lock him in another room” during our times of conflict but eventually “let him out”.  When we do, his peaceful presence calms the raging storms – and his sweetness fills our home.  He is teaching us to appreciate each other’s differences and give grace and forgiveness when they clash.

Yes, it’s taken 54 years and we’re still learning.