A GIRL TOO TALL

“Big Fat Elephant” – the taunt still rings in my ears.  Those words, spoken by a boy in my class, cut my little 4^th grader heart into pieces and shaped the way I saw myself for many years.  Those words clouded the real “me” – the “me” that God had lovingly crafted before the world began.  Words are so powerful!

How I LONGED to fit in with the other kids!  How I longed to be cute and petite and be part of the “popular” crowd.  But, no, I towered over everyone.  In retrospect, I wasn’t really fat – I was simply too tall.  Hurtful comments like “Hey, how’s the weather up there?” (followed by snickering) were regularly occurring insults.  And to make matters worse, I had to start wearing glasses – so “four eyes” was added to the taunts.  My desk was always in the back of the room and I was always placed in the back row for group pictures.

Could anyone be uglier than me?  School was torture, especially recess and lunch time … and sports?  I was always the last one reluctantly chosen for the team.  And so I crawled into my self-made shell and hid there.  Fourth grade was also the first time I went on a diet.  However, I didn’t realize that no matter how much weight you lose, your height always remains the same and in my case – too tall!

JUNIOR HIGH

Junior high was even worse.  That’s when I started discovering boys.  The problem was, I hadn’t stopped getting taller and was the tallest kid in the entire school – and the boys seemed like they would never grow!  My shell got thicker and my dieting increased.  There was a diet drink at that time called “Metrecal”, which became my primary source of food.  As the TV commercials promoted, I became one of the “Metrecal for lunch bunch”.  “Metrecal” even became my nickname.  Unfortunately, Metrecal never solved my height problem.

Thankfully I wasn’t the only one who didn’t fit into the popular crowd, so I did have good friends (although none of them were as tall as I was) and my friends at church loved me no matter what I looked like.  At least I wasn’t a total outcast.  There was one boy in our church youth group that was actually taller than I was and I was head-over-heels in love with him – but he barely noticed me.  Growing up is tough!

HIGH SCHOOL

Finally in high school the boys started to grow, but by then my self-made shell had become the “home” I retreated to – the place that I lived.  I was painfully shy and self-conscious.

Choir was the one thing at school that I loved.  I loved to sing and harmonize and I thought that was one thing that I did well.  In fact, the choir teachers often put me in charge of teaching the altos their parts.  Sometimes I even taught the sopranos their parts too.

There were two high schools in Burbank and every year one of the high schools did a musical production on alternate years.  When I was a sophomore, our school did “South Pacific” but I was too young to be part of that one.  With all my heart, I wanted to be part of the production when I became a senior.  There was probably nothing in the world that I wanted more than that.  And so production began on “Bye Bye Birdie”.

Selection of the cast began and I hoped – and prayed – and hoped – and prayed that I would be chosen.  The day finally came when the names of the chosen students were posted on the wall of the choir room.  With my heart beating wildly in my chest, I approached the list – and scanned it – and scanned it again.  Tears welled up in my eyes as my heart broke into little pieces.  My name wasn’t on that list.  I wasn’t good enough.  It was a long shot, but I even tried out to be one of the dancers, likely making a fool of myself in tryouts.  But I was desperate.  No surprise – my name didn’t appear on that list either.  Why? I don’t know.  Maybe my confidence had eroded away until there was none left.

And so when the show began, there I was, sitting with everyone else in the audience, fighting back my tears, watching all the talented popular kids, feeling like an ugly failure.

ADULTHOOD

Graduation and adulthood were a welcome relief from that little microcosm called high school.  It was time to grow up – time to discover the real “me” – time to blow away that “big fat elephant” cloud from the eyes of my heart – time to emerge from my little shell – time to see “me” from God’s perspective.

It was a gradual process:  a combination of naturally maturing, but it was mainly the revelation of God’s love.  All my life I was taught about Jesus and tried to study about him and obey him.  I knew I also needed to love him but that kind of love was more of a duty, something I knew I was supposed to do.  Then one day when I was in my early 20’s, something just happened:  I fell head-over-heels in love with Jesus!  My heart became connected with his heart.  The source of my identity and confidence (or lack thereof) no longer came from myself.  It now comes from who I am in Christ.  In spite of my height, I began to stand a little taller and began to appreciate the way God made me.

I also realized that there are advantages to being tall.  You can reach things on the top shelf.  Being in a crowd is no problem.  You don’t suffocate and you can see above everyone and not get lost.  People entrust you with more responsibility and you can even carry a little extra weight without it being too obvious (although I’ve pushed that to its limits).  Yes, being tall isn’t all that bad.  In fact, I even started to like it and I discovered that there were actually people that were taller than me!

RAISING TALL CHILDREN

I realized that my tall genes had been passed on to my children.  Now, for a boy, it’s a good thing.  My son grew to be 6’2”.  No problem.  For a girl, however, being 5’12” (NOT 6’) can potentially cause problems so I figured I’d better prepare my daughter for the inevitable onslaught of ridicule.  As a result, she always stood tall, proud of her height and was in no way intimidated by anyone.  I think that because she felt that way about herself, others treated her with respect and even admiration.

Viewing my sweet children from a mother’s eyes, I was finally able to see into God’s heart.  How perfect they were!  How did those tiny seeds in my womb grow into these two perfect human beings?  It was then that I realized how God, my Father, saw me – perfectly designed before I was ever conceived.  I could never be a mistake in His eyes.  I could never be ugly and to perceive myself as such must have deeply hurt His heart.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!”  (Psalm 139:13-17)

Too tall?  Too ugly?  Too awkward?  NO!  I could finally stand tall and be who God created me to be, confident that He didn’t make a mistake.

EPILOGUE

The other day I had my annual check-up at the doctor’s office and the nurse wanted to check my height.  So I stood against the height rod and she slid the headpiece firmly down onto my head and announced that I was 5 ft. 7 ¾ inches.  I was incensed.  Surely she made a mistake!  So when I got home I asked Bill to measure me.  Sure enough, I am 5 ft. 7 ¾ inches.  I used to be 5 ft. 10 inches!!!  I’ve shrunk 2 ¼ inches!  I finally got my wish to be short and discovered that I really don’t like it after all.