TRIALS AND JOYS

(circa December 2002 – July 2003)

He couldn’t eat. He couldn’t drink. Every day he got weaker and weaker. I tried to pack as much nutrition into every tiny spoonful of food Bill could choke down but for every teaspoon of protein drink he was able to swallow, he would throw it back up. He wanted to give up. It was my birthday – and he wanted to die.

I went to work that day (at the church) with a heavy heart and red, swollen eyes. One look at me and our pastor knew something was very, very wrong. As soon as I told her she grabbed her keys and took off to our house, let herself in and went upstairs to where Bill was sleeping. Thank God for Pastor Karol! After talking and praying with him he had a renewed sense of purpose and determination to live.

A few days later Shannon graduated from Northern Arizona University with her degree in Public Relations. We were so proud of her and with all his heart, Bill longed to attend her graduation ceremony. But he simply couldn’t. He was suffering from severe malnutrition and dehydration. He was dying.

I left him in bed and went to the ceremony. It was a bittersweet day, both joyful and sorrowful. We hosted a reception at our house to celebrate Shannon’s graduation but Bill lay in bed upstairs, listening to the party downstairs. Downstairs I was the hostess; upstairs I was the nurse – a dichotomy that nearly ripped me in two.

The next week Bill had a procedure scheduled at the hospital. One look at Bill and the doctor admitted him into the hospital and they gave him IV nutrition and fluids. Within a day, he was starting to look and feel a little better and by the time his 59^th birthday came (December 20) he was finally smiling.

He wasn’t allowed to eat so I didn’t bake a cake but I decorated his room and invited our friends to come to the hospital. We gathered together in the waiting room, marched into his room together and yelled “Surprise!” and had a little “cake-less” party. (The nurses graciously refrained from giving us a well-deserved reprimand).

Christmas Eve came soon after. Every Christmas Eve we always hosted an open house and invited our friends over. Even though Bill was in the hospital I determined to do it again this year. After pleading with his doctor, he agreed to let Bill go home from the hospital for a few hours that evening. Friends and family filled our home, warming and encouraging our hearts, surrounding us with their love. What a sweet Christmas Eve! But all too soon Bill had to return to the hospital.

A few days later he was discharged but was still on IV feeding and stayed that way until February. When he was finally allowed to eat, he was like a kid in a candy factory. Being able to eat real food after so many months was so exciting and going to the grocery store was as fun as a day at Disneyland!

But alas, his pseudo cyst returned with a vengeance and in April he had to have surgery to drain it into his stomach. After he recovered it was time to get ready for Shannon & Gabe’s wedding on June 14.

The day dawned bright and beautiful. It seemed that God, in all His splendor, was smiling down upon a radiantly beautiful bride and her equally beaming groom. A thankful lump in many throats arose as, after months of the uncertainty whether he would even be around to do it, Bill triumphantly walked his daughter down the aisle to joyfully give her away to Gabe. What a celebration!

Ten days later Luke and Julie became proud parents of an adorable baby boy, Blake – and we were first-time grandparents. But they were in California and we were in Arizona. We had every intention of traveling there to welcome little Blake into our family but Bill had to go back into the hospital. His bile duct had become constricted and he needed a stent to open it up.

The doctors at Flagstaff Medical Center weren’t able to do the procedure. He needed someone with more expertise. There was a doctor at the University Medical Center in Tucson that would be able to do it though, however, the hospital was full. But they told us that if we could get down there right away they would hold a bed for Bill.

It was 9:00 pm. I had just spent an exhausting day at work and now I needed to drive Bill to Tucson (255 miles away)! I raced home from the hospital to throw some clothes into a suitcase for a stay in Tucson and I had no idea how long I’d be there so I prayed “Lord, please help me remember to pack everything I’m going to need. I’m exhausted. I’m stressed out. I need you!”

After I closed my suitcase I headed for the stairs. Just as I began to descend, the phone rang. (It was a land line.) I thought to myself, “Who would be calling me at 10:00 pm? That’s very odd.” But I walked over to the phone by my bed and picked up the receiver. No one was on the other end. It was then that I looked down on my nightstand. There were my glasses! I was a contact lens wearer and even if you wear contact lenses, you still absolutely need your glasses, especially in my case. I know that it was God who called me that night to remind me to take my glasses! Breathing a heartfelt prayer, I said “Thank you, Lord!”

I raced back to the hospital, loaded Bill into our car and headed down I-17 toward Tucson. At about midnight my contact lenses were getting very uncomfortable so I pulled over, took them out and put on my glasses. I don’t know what I would have done had God not “called me.”

We arrived at the hospital at about 3:00 am. They admitted Bill and I tried, unsuccessfully, to get a little sleep on one of those awful hospital room chair/beds. When the sun came up and Bill was settled into his room, I then tried to figure out where I was going to stay. So I found a nearby hotel and checked myself into it.

But before I could finally lie down and sleep I figured I’d better call work and tell them where I was and that I had no idea when I’d be back to work. Thankfully, Mary (our accountant) answered the phone and I told her what was going on. She had lived in Tucson and had some friends there who, she was sure, would love to have me stay at their house. Sure enough, the next day (after I had a good sleep in the hotel) they lovingly received me into their beautiful home where I stayed for the next two weeks. God did such a wonderful job taking care of me.

I won’t say too much about our experience at University Medical Center in Tucson, but it took several days for Bill to get the much-needed stent put in his bile duct. A normal bilirubin count is about 1.4. Bill’s escalated to 29!! His skin was yellow. His eyes were the color of yellow highlighters and he ITCHED – everywhere – his teeth even itched!

Meanwhile, we still hadn’t been able to meet our first grandchild. My arms ached, desperately wanting to hold him and talk to him and cuddle him. But he was 400 miles away and we were stuck in a hospital! So Luke and Julie (and Julie’s mother) graciously drove to Tucson with little Blake. Shannon and Gabe drove down from Flagstaff too so they could greet their little nephew. Even with a dreary, sterile hospital room as a backdrop, our joy could not be contained as we finally held our precious, sweet three-week-old grandson and enjoyed a short family reunion.

But all too soon they left – and we remained in that lonely hospital. After another week the doctors couldn’t do anything to help Bill. We figured he could itch just as well at home in Flagstaff as in the hospital in Tucson, so we went home.

The next four weeks were hell. The only way Bill could “sleep” was to strip down to his underwear, get on his knees, prop his head in his hands and place his elbows on the couch. Anything touching his skin was agony. Over and over he begged me to get a gun so he could shoot himself.

One night it got so bad, I couldn’t take it anymore! In desperation I called some dear friends who, at midnight, came over to pray with us until 3:00 am. After four weeks of itching, Bill wasn’t getting any better. The doctors had no solution.

At 5:00 one morning, after another agonizing night, I called our faithful friend, Don, who came over. He had an idea – and called his acupuncturist as soon as his office opened. Acupuncture? Really? Hey, it couldn’t hurt to try. The acupuncturist squeezed Bill into his busy day, and gave Bill a treatment. When Bill walked out of the office that day he was feeling about 75% better and for the first time in 6 weeks he was actually able to sleep and feel somewhat normal!

Trials and joys. Joys and trials. They really do go hand-in-hand – just like darkness and light.

Have you ever been in a cave when they turned out the lights and you are in absolute darkness? You can’t even see your hand in front of your face. You lose all sense of balance and perspective. As soon as a light, no matter how tiny, is turned on, you’re okay. Your equilibrium returns. That’s how we felt. It was like we were walking through a dark, hollow cave, stumbling and groping to find our way. Then God would turn on a little light now and then to light our way. And we discovered that we weren’t alone. God hadn’t abandoned us. Every moment he had been there with us guiding us through the darkness.

And so our journey through the darkness continued…but we were never alone…