Odyssey of the Spirit

(circa 1985 – present)

Honesty … authenticity – that’s what I promised when I began my blogging venture. As painful as this is to me, I will rip off my holy mask and lay bare an ugly part of my heart that once lurked in my life.

It all began in 1971 …

Bill and I were raised in a Baptist church. That’s where we met, fell in love and married. What a wonderful foundation to both our Christian life and to our marriage! I will forever be grateful. But one day, God began to stir something in our hearts and relentlessly whisper, “There’s something more … there’s something more…” He led us to a very, very different church.

In this church our entire life was enveloped in the love and enjoyment of Jesus. He was so real and precious to us. The Bible came alive and we couldn’t get enough of it. Every weekend and nearly every weekday evening was filled with meetings with other brothers and sisters. We would sing, pray, give testimonies and listen to teachings on the scriptures. Our entire living revolved around this church.

However, during these years the nature of the church began to change – imperceptibly, gradually, unnoticeable. We were taught amazing truths out of the Bible that we had never seen before. But along with those truths, we were also taught that no one else knew these things. We were discouraged from reading other Christian authors or listening to any other Christian teachings and had our own music and our own terminology.

We were discouraged from celebrating many holidays (even Christmas and Easter, because of their “origins”) and were discouraged from having televisions, listening to the radio, reading the newspaper or going to movies. We truly lived in a bubble. In fact, I call those years my “bubble years”.

We were taught that, just like in the New Testament there was only one church in one city (i.e. the church in Jerusalem, the church in Ephesus, etc.). That is actually true – the problem is, however, we were taught that we were it – we were the only true church. We were taught that denominations and organized Christianity were wrong – they were divisive and you shouldn’t “join” a church to become a member; if you were a Christian, you should already BE a member.

The result of these teachings created an insidious arrogance in me. I thought I was a super-Christian – above everyone else, knowing deep secrets of God that few people knew.

“The Church in Flagstaff”

And that is why we moved to Flagstaff – to establish “the Church in Flagstaff”. But God had different ideas. It was a gradual process; he wanted to do a transforming work in my heart.

Our tiny church met in each other’s homes. It really was sweet and intimate. It was like a breath of fresh air. We were far away from the intense center of our church organization, which was located in Southern California and we began to get a different, fresh view of what our church had become. The “lights” slowly began to turn on.

One Sunday morning as we were meeting we discussed the idea of putting an ad in our local newspaper; just a simple scripture verse and word of encouragement or something like that. Then we would sign it “From The Church in Flagstaff”. Suddenly we looked at each other. The “lights” went on. We realized that NO, we should address it “TO The Church in Flagstaff”. God had clearly spoken to all of us: ALL of the Christians in Flagstaff are the Church in Flagstaff – not just us! And that was the beginning of our odyssey – the beginning of our departure from that church organization. Every time our little church came together, a few more lights would go on and we gradually began to see more of the fallacies that we had been indoctrinated with.

My Arrogant Heart

However, my heart was still filled with arrogance. I became very close friends with a neighbor who invited me to a women’s Bible study at a nearby church and I decided to go with her. After all, that might be a good opportunity for me to share my “amazing Bible wisdom”. Week after week I met with these women and became good friends with them. They shared their joys and heartbreaks and we would pray for one another – and I shared my “amazing Bible wisdom” too – and they graciously listened – and loved me anyway. However, I could never bring myself to share any of my prayer requests with them, even though I was going through some of the most difficult times of my life. After all, they weren’t as spiritually “mature” as I was. I cringe at the memory.

Finally, God turned on the lights in my heart and my arrogance began to melt. I needed these women. I needed their prayers and their loving support. Finally, I was able to receive from them! And you know what? I discovered that they really did have a lot of Bible wisdom and Christian maturity. Imagine that – and they weren’t even part of our church! (Oh, I had SO MUCH to learn – and un-learn!)

Time to Leave

Was it really time to leave our church? After all, we had given our entire lives to it! We had sacrificed so much! I thought I would be there until I died. But yes, it was time. God was gently leading all of us together to leave and the thought filled my heart with joy and anticipation. I will never regret those 14 years in that church. Our lives were transformed. We received so much and I will forever be grateful. But as much as God led us in, he also led us out at just the right time.

As soon as the leaders of our church organization found out that we were leaving, we were immediately cut off. We used to have a steady stream of people staying in our homes as they traveled to and from conferences in Southern California. But that immediately ceased. There were no more phone calls or communication from people in the church (except for a few people who really cared about us). It was to be expected though; we knew that would happen because if we had still been there we would have done the same thing. It’s just the nature of what that church was. In their eyes we had become “negative” – “leprous” – rebellious”. But we were so happy – so free! We had followed what God had told us to do.

God, Are You Kidding Me?

But then my biggest test of all came when I was hired as the executive secretary of a United Methodist Church! That was the last place I thought I’d ever work, having been so indoctrinated, even poisoned against denominations and organized Christianity! I couldn’t believe that’s what God wanted me to do. After all, even way back, in my Baptist church upbringing, I was taught that Methodists could barely even be Christians – and that opinion was even increased in the church we had just left. What on earth was happening to me?

Well, I thought as my arrogant heart rose its ugly head, maybe I can be of “help” to them with all my “Bible wisdom” and “Christian maturity”. And do you know what God emphatically told me? “Just shut up and listen for a change! I don’t want you to say a word! Just listen – and receive!!”

And that’s what I did. And you know what? I did receive – so much! Those United Methodists taught me to pray – and to listen to God – and to love. They never required me to attend their church either – and loved me anyway. So Bill and I still met with our little home church for several years. But then, after our attendance dwindled to 3 people, the Lord told us it was time to attend the United Methodist Church. Really, Lord? A denomination of all things? And after a few more years he told us to actually become members – something that we had disdained and had been so indoctrinated against! But when God speaks, what are you supposed to do, even though it goes against everything you thought was right? And so we did.

I worked at the United Methodist Church for 14 crazy, wonderful years. Often I was confronted with concepts springing from my past teachings that challenged me. I would pray about them and God would tell me how to handle them. I learned to hold them loosely and let them go if necessary. But the people always loved me and faithfully prayed for and lovingly cared for Bill and me through the darkest time of our lives. Eventually it came time for me to leave after 14 years on staff, and my heart felt like it had been ripped out of me.

I had been so wrong! God had been so faithful to tear out that spiritual arrogance in me (although I suppose it still rears its ugly head every now and then). But that “surgery” did make a vital change in my heart.

The Odyssey Continues…

It’s truly been an odyssey of my spirit and I suppose it will continue for the rest of my life. After all, is there ever a time when we’ve learned and experienced everything there is?

One of my favorite scripture passages is Psalm 133:1-3: Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments; As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for evermore.

I was like a frog living in the bottom of a well. Yes, I could see the sky, but only a tiny circle of it. When I finally crawled up to the top and opened my eyes, a whole new world opened up to me! Suddenly I was surrounded by hundreds of brothers and sisters in Christ. No longer did I see them as inferior and “in need of enlightenment”. I was finally able to receive their portion of Christ and be nourished and encouraged by them.

We may be different, not seeing things the same way or using the same terminology or even having the same doctrines or practices. We need to look deeper than that. We are part of the same family, having the same loving Father and it is vital to drop our differences and simply love each other. And the result will be God’s “commanded blessing” and “life forevermore”.