“Be It Unto Me”

(circa 1976)

“So when are you going to have children?” Our friends echoed that mantra over and over and over to me. I would quip some kind of smart aleck remark back at them just to get them to shut up.

We didn’t begin our married life not wanting children. No, our plan was to get married, wait for a couple of years, buy a house, then start a family. Isn’t that what people do? However, something called the Army delayed those plans. Then when our Army days were over and we returned to Burbank, we did buy a house. But by that time it was the late 60’s and things in the world had gone insanely crazy. We took a hard look at the situation and concluded that we simply didn’t want to bring children into the mess.

And so we self-righteously proceeded with our life without children and were perfectly happy doing so. Our friends had children and we saw how much work they are and how much they limit you. We didn’t want any part of that. Then when we got into our new church we began to spiritualize our reasoning: “We are free to serve the Lord and can do things for Him at a moment’s notice – with no limitations.” It sounded good to us, and it was true. We were free.

However, that worn-out mantra from our friends continued: “So when are you going to have children?” After a while, I realized that it wasn’t only our friends speaking to us. God was also speaking: “So when are you going to have children?” My normal smart aleck remark got stuck in my throat, leaving me speechless. I covered the ears of my heart, wouldn’t listen and pretended I hadn’t heard anything.

Barren by Choice

Then one day I was in a meeting with the women in our church. One of the elders was sharing about the importance of women in the life of the church. In the Bible it was the women who went to Jesus’ tomb and were the first who saw Jesus after he was resurrected – not the men. Also, it was a woman who gave birth to Jesus; who brought him into this world. He shared how important it is for the women to bring forth Jesus into the church life. And then he said something that pierced my heart – something I’ll never forget. He said that, in this context, there is nothing uglier than a barren woman. And God spoke to me: “because you are barren, by choice, you are ugly.” Ouch!! That hurt!

My arguments to God continued: “But what about my good reasons for not having children – about being free to serve you, Lord?” He responded: “I couldn’t care less about what you do for me. I want to do something in your being that, at this point in your life, can only be done if you have children. This is the way I have chosen for you. Will you say yes to me?” Again, I covered the ears of my heart.

A Crumbled Heart

I had been placed in a leadership position of the nursery service group in our church. (The elders were trying to get me into a situation where I would start to like children … eye roll … whatever!) It was okay with me and I did enjoy being with the 3 other women I was in leadership with, but that was NOT going to make me want a child. We would meet together every week to pray and coordinate the work of the nursery.

One morning at our meeting, Becky spoke it again: “So when are you going to have children?” Another glib remark escaped my mouth, after which my friend, Karen, stopped me in my tracks by asking, “Donna, have you prayed about it?” Being the spiritual Christian that I presumed myself to be, I replied, “Of course I have.” I lied. I had never really prayed about it. I knew it and God knew it.

When I got home from the meeting that day, I just wanted to escape so I decided to take a nap. However, before falling into the blissful sleep of denial, I made the mistake of picking up my Bible, randomly opening it to Luke, chapter 1. Ironically the last part of this chapter is about how the angel appears to Mary to tell her about becoming pregnant with Jesus. Really? That is NOT what I was in the mood to read about right then.

But I began to consider Mary. The implications for her to go through a pregnancy without being married, especially in that day and age, were huge. I can only imagine the weight of the decision that she had to make. For me, being married, to give up some of my “freedom” and be a little inconvenienced was nothing in comparison to what Mary was being asked to give up.

Then I read a verse that jumped off the page at me – and changed my heart and my life forever. This was, undeniably, God speaking to me, loud and clear. Mary’s humble response to the angel’s declaration was, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.” Feeling my stubborn will and hardened heart crumble into dust, weeping, I prayed that verse back to God: “Lord, be it unto me according to thy word.”

I can imagine God high-fiving himself, wiping the sweat from his brow and saying “Finally! Now THAT was a job! Whew! Man, she’s a tough one!”

It’s funny how when God crumbles your hard heart to get what he’s after, he reshapes it too. Suddenly your desires even get re-shaped to match God’s desires. His desires actually become your desires. When I told God it was okay with me if we had children, something in me began to WANT to have children. I mean, I really did want a child now.

But It Does Take Two

But now I was faced with a dilemma. After all, it does take two to get pregnant, if you know what I mean. One of us was now willing – but the other one, ummm, not so much. I knew God would have to handle this, not me. I didn’t want to do any manipulating or cajoling.

It was then that I began to draw a parallel between us and Abraham and Sarah. God had promised them a son but it wasn’t happening soon enough for them so they decided to take matters into their own hands. The result was Ishmael, whose descendants have plagued the Israelites ever since. No, I prayed for God to do a thorough heart-changing work in Bill like he had done in me. So I began to pray for Bill. It was the first time I felt like even though I was praying, it wasn’t me – it was God praying through me.

One night as Bill and I were getting ready for bed I began to pray – and couldn’t stop praying. When we snuggled in for the night, God told me that I needed to tell Bill all that I had been going through. I argued, “But Lord, I don’t want to try to manipulate him and convince him. I don’t want to bring forth an Ishmael. I want you to be the one to speak.” But God assured me, “It won’t be you speaking – it will be me through you.” He gently nudged me, “Go ahead.”

And so I hesitantly began. I told him everything. After I was finished speaking, however, Bill didn’t say a word. I thought to myself, “Well, that was a dud. You really blew it this time, Donna.” But after what felt like an eternity, Bill turned toward me and simply said, “When we have a son, his name will be Luke.”

And just like that, it was done. God had performed a miracle before our very eyes. Everything changed, especially the desires of our heart and we looked forward to a new, God-ordained chapter in our lives.