A Lonely, Fearful Heart

I kissed him goodbye in one last embrace at the Selective Services Army Induction Center…I drove away … and life continued…

Bill was now a soldier in the US Army.  But where was he?  Where would he end up?  When would I hear from him?  When would I see him again?

I went to work.  I came back to my parents’ house.  I ate dinner.  I went to bed.  And I did it all again the next day – and the next…  There were no cell phones or email.  Long distance calls were a luxury and on an Army base, a rarity.  And so I waited … for a very long time.

FINALLY!  The phone rang!  His voice sounded like heaven to me!  He was fine – doing basic training at Fort Bliss in El Paso, Texas and would be there for 12 weeks.  After that, he would come home for two weeks, then go to AIT (Advanced Infantry Training).  Where would that be?  We had no idea.

And so life went on for 12 long weeks.  My life revolved around work and church.  I sang in a women’s trio with two of my friends which was a wonderful distraction from missing Bill.  But then another activity began to fill up my lonely hours.

My New Venture

For our first Christmas Bill gave me a sewing machine, a sweet gesture but I wasn’t very excited about it.  I had tried to learn to sew when I was very young and had some success.  Mom was a good teacher but I wasn’t the best student.  When I was in the 6^th grade Mom taught my best friend and me to sew twin dresses so we could wear them to school on our first day of junior high.  The dresses were passable and Georgie and I had fun wearing them, but I didn’t really like sewing that well.  And so I forgot about sewing, that is, until I had to take a mandatory home economics class in 8^th grade.  This class included both cooking and sewing.  I enjoyed the cooking class (eating the results was great) but when it came to the sewing class, now that was a different story.  No matter how hard I tried, all my seams were crooked.  The teacher (who was a perfectionist) made me rip out my crooked seams numerous times.  After that, I vowed I would never sew again!  I never wanted to see another seam ripper again.  And that was that!

Funny how you change when you grow up.  I now had a brand new sewing machine and had moved back in with the best sewing teacher ever and with my husband’s suggestion that I take advantage of the situation and really learn how to sew, I eagerly dove into my new venture.  I spent many a lunch hour going to the Broadway department store across from my office building in Hollywood, looking through pattern books and fabric.  I spent many evenings and weekends creating my new wardrobe.  If I do say so myself, I transformed into a pretty good sewing student.  The time for Bill to come home on leave was getting close and I was excited to show him my new clothes.

Home At Last!

The long-awaited day finally arrived.  Bill and other soldiers from the Los Angeles area chartered a bus to bring them home and were going to arrive at the Greyhound Depot in downtown Los Angeles.  As the bus finally appeared and slowed to a stop, the door opened and out piled about 50 excited men, all identically dressed in their class A uniforms with their hats worn low on their foreheads.  They were all swarmed with family, hugging and kissing.  How on earth was I supposed to recognize Bill in that throng?  But then I spotted him, his unique, goofy saunter clearly identifying him to me.

I ran to him and at last I was in his arms again!  It had been such a very long time!  But he had really changed.  Who was this man?  He had gotten so much stronger and had gotten much tanner and seemed so much more mature.  Gee, he was good looking!!

We spent two wonderful weeks together and determined to make every moment count while he was home.  But all too quickly it was time for him to leave again.  This time he was heading to Fort Hood, Texas (near Killeen) for his AIT (Advanced Infantry Training).  And so after another tearful good-bye, he was gone again.  Gee, this was going to be a very long two years.

Thankfully now that basic training was over, he wasn’t nearly as restricted so he could call me more often.  He even sent me a picture of himself all dressed up in his fatigues and helmet, complete with a rifle.  That picture sent me into tears.  He really was a soldier – doing very dangerous things.

Now, as a good Baptist, Bill had never had an alcoholic drink in his life.  However, some of his friends talked him into going to the NCO club and for two nights in a row he has no recollection of what he did or how he even got back to the barracks.  It really scared him.  And so the next day he called me, imploring me to move to Killeen, Texas so we could be together again (and keep him out of trouble).  TEXAS?  And in the MIDDLE of Texas too!  That’s a very LONG way from Burbank, California; a very long way from home.

Well, I guess the down payment for our house would have to be postponed…

Into the Land of “What If”

Fear.  Fear of the future.  Fear of the unknown.  For the first time in my previously secure life, I was faced with some frightening possibilities.  For the first time in my life, I wandered into the land of “What If”.  What if Bill is sent to Vietnam?  What if he is killed – or maimed for life?  What if I become a widow at 19 years old?  The “what ifs” are endless in this land.

“What If” is a scary country, haunted with dark, ethereal images floating in and out of your imagination.  It’s a place where there is no rest or peace.  I’ve visited there many times since those days.  I’ve even foolishly chosen to take up residence there for extended periods of time.

BUT, over the years I’ve learned the way of escape from this country.  God’s word leads me to the border and gives me the strength to cross it.

Psalm 23 says: “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

The way across that border is simple and sweet.  The way is a person: Jesus.